The Protective Instinct

I knew when I was going to become a mother, that I didn't want to be a hyper-involved and over protective mother. By hyper-involved, I mean the kind that organises their whole lives around the children and disconnects the cable when their exams are coming up, who get competitive about how their kids are doing in every sphere and so on. And over-protective mothers who cluck over their kids all the time fuss me to death. I wanted to be a chilled out mom, much like my mother who is intensely loving and maternal, but has always has her own stuff to do and never hovered over us, watching each move. She and dad never fussed when we had exams or homework, it was our 'job' to study and do well and get it done on our own, though of course if we had questions or doubts we always got help.

It's a bit annoying for me to discover that I am an over protective mother after all. I make sure my over-protective instincts don't come out and affect my kids but they're clamouring inside me each time I see Chubbocks trying to do a flying leap or every time Puddi climbs on or off a sofa. The other day Chubbocks lost a race with A and got really upset about it. We were trying to tell him that it's ok to lose and he should enjoy the running more than winning. that's when he told us sadly, "But main to school mein bhi roz haar jata hoon." ( But I lose in school every day). It just wrings my heart and I don't know how to deal with it. A and I had a long discussion over the weekend over what we could do and how we could help the little kiddo win just one race at school.

I can still be a little tough when it comes to the kids tumbling around and getting hurt - I figure that's how they'll learn, but when it comes to emotional distress it's almost too hard for me to cope with. Chubbocks is quite different from many of the other boys who come to the park. He is more gentle, more polite and as such a favourite with the girls. But he wants to play with the boys and so he desperately tries to ape them, tumbling about, yelling, talking loudly and asking them to see this or that. Sometimes the other boys play with him, but some days they are too busy rough-housing with each other and ignore him. It's like a knife to the heart to watch him desperately trying to reach out and get their attention, or try and be as tough as them in an effort to win them over. I want to grab each one of them and threaten them...or beg them...to play with my little Chubbocks.

Most of all I want to protect them from me and A - from our tempers when we're stressed out or irritated...from disappointing the kids' little hopes by canceling plans or by not paying attention to the things that seem tiny to us and loom large in their world. Yesterday, Puddi was playing in the garden and repeatedly touching the rose bush which is quite thorny. The stubborn little thing just refused to understand the word no, though she is usually very good about it. I got irritated and scared and smacked her on the hand. She looked up at me, her lips quivering, her face crestfallen and eyes uncertain...this was the first time ever that her mama had smacked her. She didn't know how to deal with the fact that mama, her protector, had hurt her. This morning, Chubbocks was running around and playing instead of getting ready for school. We were all in a rush and A yelled at him to stop wasting time, so Chubbocks says, "Why are you always angry with me, abba?"

Both A and I have spent the day feeling sick with guilt and at the same time aware that we might do something similar again. It's not something we mean or plan or want to do, but like they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions...

How in the world do you keep a child safe, apart from cocooning him or her in cottonwool and stuffing them in a vacuum? Do you harden your heart and say everyone goes through the same thing and that getting hurt makes them toughen up? Do you filter out the entire world, only exposing them to the things that you think don't hurt them and what does that do to their worldview when they step outside the comfort zone of your home and your environment? Do you teach your kid to be tough, to hit back when someone hits them even if that doesn't fit with your values, because you don't want your kid being beaten up by anyone? Or do you just hope that the process of getting hurt is also the process of learning and silently stand by, bandaid and huggy arms ready?