Choosing Friends

The other day when I wandered down to the park, Chubbocks was busy playing with one of the boys from the colony whom I particularly dislike. As a rule, I'm open to any kid he wants to play with, but this boy is really badly brought up, uses rude language even to adults and is very rough. I don't want Chubbocks to get friendly with him and learn all these bad habits. Well, Chubbocks put me in a spot by asking if his friend could come over to our house. That's the last thing I wanted so I hemmed and hawed, but the other kid was right there and I didn't want to hurt his feelings - he's only a kid after all, and the people to be blamed for his manners are those whose job it is to bring him up. Chubbocks' face crumpled up at this refusal and I felt so terrible - he's only a little kid after all, and so many of his other friends have come over that he couldn't understand why the rules were different. What a small thing he was asking for, but it was huge in my mind.

The bigger issue is when and how we start influencing their choice of friends. I'm pretty clear that after a certain age, the door has to be open to whoever comes over, and we'll have to rely on whatever values we pass on to Chubbocks to help him choose the right company. And by that I don't mean anything at all about social strata or economic status, but people who believe in the same values and a certain way of bringing up their children. But right now, is it okay for me at this stage to just say a flat no and hope that over time Chubs will see it for himself? We'd had a serious talk with him a few months ago when he'd started hanging out with this kid and told him why we didn't like his playing with the fellow. Chubs had understood and stopped playing with that kid, but the other day, when he was inviting the kid over, he also told me that "A has become a good boy now." What do you do then?

Even with those friends who are ok, I have some issues, especially when Chubs goes over to play at their homes. Most of the kids make free with the TV and watch all kinds of violent programming on Cartoon network - the kind of stuff that is any way banned. And Chubs, who hardly watches TV at home, suddenly falls under the spell of those shows and the ads. Very often, he is served either fried snacks, chips or coke. We're very careful about the kids' diets, not in a control-freakish way but by only allowing these things occasionally. So it gets difficult for me to explain why it's ok for H to have these whenever he wants but not for Chubs. Thankfully, so far Chubs has been an angel, refusing Coke and Chips, but I don't know how long that will last, as he grows up and becomes more susceptible to peer pressure.