Updates and Milestones

The one-month update for Bojjandi is a little delayed thanks to diwali and a spate of viruses - attacking both me and my laptop. One month down the road as mother of three and I have to say, managing three kids isn't more difficult than managing one. All you need is...three pairs of eyes, three pairs of hands, three times the patience and understanding...Oh, and temporary deafness! There are days when it gets a bit too much for me, to be honest, especially on nights when Bojjandi has resolutely refused to sleep except curled up next to me and suckling through the night. I need my space and the peace of mind of knowing that if I roll over in heavy slumber, no one's going to get crushed. I wonder how women like grandma used to handle it in the old days when they had four or five kids in quick succession, and husbands were only responsible for bringing home the bacon. But, I guess, this too shall pass...

We took Bojjandi for his one-month check-up end of last week. He's gained a decent amount of weight and one inch of height. His newborn clothes seem to be fitting a little better, he's no longer floating about so much that you wish you could put him in a life jacket. His eyes focus, and he makes solid eye-contact. For close to five minutes one evening, his gaze steadily locked onto mine, and I felt we'd started getting acquainted at last. He actually put out a half-smile at me the other day, not a gassy one. He looks around interestedly in which ever room and recognizes my voice and my smell/ touch. The minute I pick him up, he stops wailing, no matter how frantically he was wailing a second before.

I find myself relishing each and every bit of contact with him, particularly on the days that he's slept through the night. Of course on days that he's kept me up, I'm to be found flipping through the directory looking for boarding schools for newborns. But on the other days...I love the feeling of his limp, sated body flopping on my shoulder as I burp him, the little hands holding my shoulder. I love watching his alert eyes flit across the room, seemingly observing everything and making notes. I love the warm body snuggling into mine when he lies next to me for the afternoon feed, his little toes tickling my stomach. I love the indescribably soft baby skin of his cheeks. I love the gossamer touch of those tiny, beautiful, pink little fingers. I love the occasional coos that he's starting to make. I love the little coughs that signal hunger, as if he's politely asking for his meal, not wanting to interrupt me...

Maybe it's because he's the last baby I'm going to have, but I find that time is flying by too fast. Five weeks of my maternity leave are already over, and all too soon, I'll be gone part of the day, back to work. I know I'll enjoy work and the fact of doing something that does not involve potty or milk, but I also know I'll miss him like crazy. People who have limbs amputated feel phantom pain. I know I'll feel the phantom pleasures of imagining the baby's touch on my face - and then real pain when I realise I'm at work and he's not next to me.

It's a hard transition for women to make. You go from holding the baby right inside yourself for nine whole months, feeling every kick and flutter, to having him suddenly ejected..but at least he's right near you to start with. When I look at the future, it seems to hold a series of 'letting-go' moments. From leaving him for four hours a day to leaving him for nine...To leaving him overnight, when I travel...To leaving him for even longer. Then you let him go out of your safe cocoon of home into playschool and school. The circle of friends takes over and takes precedence. Other ties and interests take over and you only hope the ties that bind him to you and the home and family he was born to are strong enough to keep bringing him back time and again...

It's too scary to contemplate for the moment. I'm going to rush back to my room and pull my newest and last baby close for a tight hug!