Heartbreak

On the mother's network that I'm part of, someone recently asked a mother of grown children if the worst she would feel for her kids would be watching her kids go through a broken heart. Well, we had a foretaste of it yesterday evening, and it was hellish. I'd rather have gone through ten break-ups than be part of the conversation we had with Chubbocks yesterday.

He is a rather sensitive boy, as I've mentioned before, highly empathetic and quick to feel emotional pain. He had gone over to his grandparents' place in the evening, then suddenly rushed back all upset. he had accidentally run his bike into his grandpa's foot; grandpa had yelled out loud with pain and Chubbocks was upset, both because he'd hurt grandpa and because he thought the yell was meant at him, rather than being an explanation. And in the throes of his anguish, a flood of feelings of rejection came pouring out. Of how no one plays with him in the park in the evenings. Of how no one shares things with him. Of how he is always getting scolded and even Puddi hits him...

The worst of the hurt was his lack of playmates/ friends in the neighbourhood park. It turns out the two friends whom we liked and who he used to hang out with don't come to the park any more, or come very late in the evening. And the other boys his age who do come and play are the rough and violent type, whom we don't like, though we've never forbidden him to play with them. These are the kids who go around beating up the kids younger than them ( like Puddi, for instance) and speak in a rough, 'tu-tu-main-main' manner. Who say things like 'Tera papa aaya hai', referring to A. None of the parents of these kids is ever at the park, they are always in the care of maids whom they disregard coolly. It seems when Chubbocks goes to play with them, they go far away and refuse to play with him. when he asks to play with them, they say, "Nahin", ignore or taunt him. And the poor guy just can't understand what's going on.

The girls are a whole other story. While they all really like Chubbocks and enjoy hanging out with him, in the park, they prefer to sit in a corner rather than run about and play. At this very young age of 4 or 5, they are already busy being little ladies and worrying about getting their shoes/ clothes dirty.

I just don't know what to do. Chubbocks does have plenty of friends in school, though no one best friend as of now, since previous best friend has gone over to the violent side ( the kid who knocked him down and stomped on his ear). He plays really well with kids of our friends when they come over, and is as sociable and friendly a boy as anyone would like, albeit gentle and chatty. It breaks my heart to think of all this friendliness and desire for company being restricted to just us and his grandparents or his school friends who, at this stage, are too far away for daily playing after school.

A and I discussed it, both of us nearly in tears much after Chubbocks had calmed down. A suggested that part of the reason may be his inability to contribute much to the discussions of the violent cartoons du jour - Ben Ten, this year/ Power Rangers last year - due to our policy of restricted and regulated cartoon watching, and that maybe we need to give him some limited access to the 'pop culture' of his peers so he's on the same wavelength. Maybe he has a point, though my heart rebels at having to expose him to the pointless violence of these things, which judging from the evidence of his friends, helps turn young boys into hardboiled, no-longer-innocent, violent little beings.

I can't decide which is worse, exposing him to the worst things available in popular media, just so he can become more popular ( and that's another values debate raging in my mind - Popularity prout and what not) and fit in with other kids or to preserve him as he is, thus leaving him somewhat more lonely but more gentle, evolved and sensitive than other kids. Mind you, when I say gentle and sensitive, it's not to say he's some sort of Dilton Doiley - he loves running, throws a ball pretty straight, bats quite well for his age, hangs off the monkey gym and is as active a sportsboy as any other. But when he gets together with the more 'uncultured' ( yes, it sounds like an intellectual's effete cliche, but what can I do?) boys in the neighbourhood, I find that Chubbocks also starts talking rough, shrieking and behaving more roughly and in a way that I wouldn't want him to be. The rest of his peers, at the age of 4 and 5, already know that Mickey Mouse is imaginary and so is Santa, while Chubbocks is still eagerly looking forward to a playdate with Mickey, and I would so dearly love to preserve that naivete for a few more years.

So my options are: to arrange for a series of playdates with friends from school/ my friends' kids; let him watch Ben Ten and so on and transform into a similar young hooligan or harden my heart and let him be the way he is, figuring he has to make his own space in the world. There is something to be said for that last - we all have to learn in the end "to thine own self be true' in the wonderful words of Kipling, so rather than help him change his mask with each crowd, I can let him learn to grow one more layer of skin and be who he is unconcerned about what others have to say or do. Only, he's just 5 years old, not old enough to be able to develop an extra layer, especially as he was born with one layer less. And it's heartbreaking to find that eager smile and the thrill of sharing in his eyes die out at the indifference of his peers...