In Praise of Two Fathers...

It's Father's Day today. Normally I don't believe in or celebrate these Mother's Day/ Father's Day things, because I feel it's more meaningful to have a good day to day relationship than send a card once a year because Hallmark said so...but this year I'm feeling sentimental about Father's Day. Perhaps it's because dad is turning seventy this year, and I find myself becoming a little apprehensive about his age...or maybe with more years behind me as a parent, I appreciate him a little more...

I was doing some research recently with young people. When asked about their role model, most of them named an Ambani or a Shah Rukh Khan. I'm lucky enough to know my role models personally - it's always been dad and mom, for different reasons.

We've had our issues, Dad and I. We're very similar in our tempers, in our independent streak and our interests but very dissimilar in some of our values. My adolescence and my 20s passed in a series of clashes, born out of the very different circumstances we grew up in.

Dad was born during the British Raj and grew up in a family that participated in the freedom struggle. As a toddler, his job was to hang out by the gate with their dog, Jacky ( whom our dog is named after) and shout "Down Down Union Jack, Up Up Union flag" every time he saw a British soldier walk past, as a signal to the revolutionary students concealed in the house to go up and hide on the rooftop. He grew up in a highly educated and pro-education but poor family so he studied under streetlights and walked miles to and from school. Bound and determined to get out of the shadow of poverty, he refused to be sidetracked by any extracurricular activities in school, focussing purely on studies as his escape route.

So bright that teachers used to ask for his notes and request him to please refrain from asking questions in class, the anti-Brahmin movement of those days saw the university denying him the pleasure of coming first, simply by refusing to allocate the marks he had earned, and didn't allow him to enter the course of his choice, by withholding admissions until he had signed up for some other course.

So his view was that the school and college years should be spent fiercely concentrating on studies and there would be plenty of time to have fun later on. He believed in saving money and investing right from the beginning of one's career. I of course believed - and found to be true - that extracurricular activities are best enjoyed during school and college because work leaves little time for such things. Now, many years later, I do regret not taking his advice of saving and investing more right from the start of my career.

But despite all our clashes, we had our common ground. We loved to argue about politics, discuss literature. When I was a little child, dad used to make up wonderful bedtime stories for me, and tell me stories from our mythology which are now ingrained into my psyche. We used to go to India Gate or Children's Park on weekends when I would enjoy the supreme delight of a cone ( sans icecream) to myself. He used to read poetry to us when we were quite little, inculcating a love for the rhythm and for language. He encouraged us to read and to draw, to follow a talent for music, to write stories, poems or essays. Our discussions are always stimulating and he has the ability to throw a different and deeper light on any subject we discuss. He's very proud of whatever we achieve and who we are, even if the praise from him is never to our face but behind our backs!

Years later after I started working, he and I developed a more grown-up relationship. When I wanted to travel to Europe and the US on my own, with no fixed agenda, unlike most parents of boys or girls in India, neither he nor my mom turned a hair. I caused him a lot of grief and embarrassment, quite apart from monetary loss, when I broke off my engagement shortly before the wedding, an event to which the most senior government officials and even the Prime Minister had been invited. Yet I never heard a word of reproach from him ever...

Most of all, I realise as I grow older, my dad has a very strong need to be the 'Provider' or giver. He hates taking so much as a birthday present from us but delights from giving. Even when we go across to have lunch or tea, he will be happier standing about and thinking of interesting things to add to our lunch or serving us before having his own meal. He's endlessly patient and creative with the kids, be it teaching them little songs, telling them stories or just hanging out and playing with them.

Despite all our clashes and our still divergent points of view on many things, I feel blessed and proud to have him for a father. I hope he'll be around for years yet, arguing, debating, laughing, being emotional, being himself.

The second father that I'm really proud of is the one my kids have. A's grown up without a role model to follow, having had almost no relationship with his own, except for a formal, sperm-donor one. They have never shared a single thought or emotional connection. And that makes A all the more determined to be the kind of father he dreamt of having when he was growing up.

Far more patient with the kids than me, he really makes it a point to hang out with them, be it brushing their teeth in the morning or telling them their bedtime tales. He loves taking them to the park on weekends, listening to their chatter about their little concerns. The braver one of the two of us, he's the one who hangs in there with the kids while they are getting inoculated, while I stand outside, wallet ready, cringing at the thought of that big needle poking into my teeny tiny kids. He's the one who went with Chubbocks to the dentist while I mostly chickened out, and takes him for his regular blood tests. He's stayed home to tend to the sick kids, sharing those duties with me.

He's very clear that family and kids time comes first and tough as it is in today's work-world, does his best to lead a balanced life. He's very clear about the kind of relationship he wants to have with the kids as they grow up and does his best every single day to build it up. I know many moms who'd hesitate to leave their kids with the dads without a long list of instructions for them, but I know A is so in tune with what's going on in the kids' lives that I can leave them without a second's thought.

I'm really blessed to have these two great dads in my life, and so proud of them both. Happy Father's Day!