Dreams for my Children

I love making lists, don't you? Of course, I rarely so much as write down a grocery list (which may explain why we're running to the store for something or other every third day), but I do make'em. And long ago, on the list of things I promised my children, was an item that read - I will not force my expectations down their throats. Well, that seems to have gone by the wayside, given I'm ranting about how privileged they are and various other things. But what I do feel strongly about is that while I want to be planting values in their heads and hearts, I don't want to force my dreams on them.

I feel particularly strongly about this, because I had it done to me, and I resented it and it has imposed various burdens on me over the years, though it may have been 'for my own good' at the time, because obviously that's all parents ever want. When I was in college, I wanted to study history or English Lit. But dad was adamant that I study Economics, even though I showed neither interest nor aptitude. Back in high school, during my economics course, I thought Keynesian was a term for a kind of Islander, like Polynesian, and it has taken decades for me to outgrow that little misunderstanding, so you can imagine how suited I was for this course. All through high school too, dad used to keep pushing me to focus on my education, that there'd be plenty of time for 'extracurriculars' later. I managed to get away with quite a few activities regardless, but never to the fullest extent of my longing.

At college admissions time, the fight over Economics became so furious that dad threatened to disown me, at one point, if I didn't tow the line. Fight though I did, I wound up being press-ganged into BA Hons. The only thing I enjoyed about college was the friends I made. The rest was a total waste for me, because I didn't understand the concepts, didn't emotionally connect with them, found the exam system completely horrendous as I wasn't used to it, did terribly poorly throughout my BA and wound up doubting my IQ and possession of basic intelligence by the end of the three years. Even when I understood and enjoyed some of the subjects and did well in internal evaluations, I wound up as a non-starter in the exams. I got through to one of the IIMs but with such a damaged sense of self-esteem and confidence...And it took me years to start believing in my own capability, literally years.

I understand where dad was coming from, of course. He was from a poor though well-educated family and for him, education was the only way to climb out of poverty. He saw his brothers and sisters who, though intelligent, just didn't either possess the application or got distracted with extracurriculars and who therefore didn't end up as secure financially as he did, and he was the youngest. Even today, he is the person the whole family looks to for financial support, when required, and he was the one who wound up the most successful career-wise, with the highest rank possible in the civil service. Yet when he wanted to study Economics in Mysore University, they did not open admission for the course, though he was a school topper, until he had already joined an alternate course - simply because he was Brahmin.

What do I really want for my children? Well, first of all I do want them to have a fine education, and by that I mean one which teaches them to open their minds, to question, to dream and to unlock all of their talents, big or small. The thing that would shock or dismay me as a parent would be if either of my kids decided to drop out - yes, I am a firmly middle class person that way. Then, I want them to do something in life which is a vocation and not a career, something that makes their hearts sing every morning and get out of bed with a spring in their step, something which enables them to be quirky and individualistic and to set their own pace in life, rather than be pressed through a cookie-cutter. (Oh god, I can hear my husband saying, she wants them to be hippies). Hopefully we'll have set a financial base that is adequate but not rich ( I don't really approve of inherited wealth; inherited middle-classness is fine :)) and enables them to do just that. And hopefully, they'll be smart enough to realise that money is never good enough as an objective, only as a by-product.

Long ago, when I thought about my life goals and career goals and companies asked that ridiculous question during interviews : Where do you see yourself in 5/ 10 years time? I never knew what to answer. Because I never had a set career goal or ambition ( e.g. CEO by 30), unlike so many people one meets today. I had a life goal - to have an interesting, varied career in which I enjoyed what I did every day; to become an interesting person who has fun and doesn't take herself too seriously; to have a loving family; to have a balanced life between family and work and self; to laugh a lot and learn a lot; to write a few books hopefully; and to have a handful of people that would be genuinely sorry when I died. Even today, I think those are my goals, and the markers by which I make decisions about life. It may not make me rich in the long run but it sure makes life fun.