Read the article on Chinese mums in the WSJ, and all of a sudden that whole foot-binding thing started making sense. Daughter cries - oh, my foot is really hurting, it feels like it's going to break. Chinese mum - you wuss, stop snivelling and start tightening, it should break at least twice! Just kidding...
There are a couple of points that made sense to me, but on the whole, the article smacked of a dictatorial, parent-oriented style of bringing up the kids that doesn't bother seeing the kids as individuals and wants to push them through a cookie-cutter of some kind.
Okay, on the whole, I'm not very liberal with praise. I don't think everything my kids do is wonderful or fabulous ( well, that's not true, I do but I keep that to myself!). No, kidding again, I tend to be quite critical and objective when I look at what my kids are doing, and sometimes, I'm honestly surprised when someone else praises their efforts because I didn't think what they had done was praise-worthy. I don't want them to become praise junkies, and I want them to be able to take honest criticism and build a desire to improve. I have high expectations from them at school, across subjects including gym, and I make it clear to them. I don't think it's ok for my kids to give up on some activity after checking it out a few times, because at this stage, I think they don't know enough to take that call, and may just be wanting to take the easy way out. I make sure that they give an activity enough time and also, to be honest, I picked the activities that I thought they showed interest and aptitude in, and I do push them to practice and excel in those.
But I'm also a firm believer in extra-curricular activities, in playing with friends, in having unstructured free time to just chill - and heck, yes, I'm a lazy mom, I like to have my free time too, so I believe in a reasonable amount of benign neglect, after ensuring blunt instruments and sharp knives have been put away. I cannot believe the amount of micro-managing that the author of the article believed was necessary - not allowing kids to play any other instrument than piano/ violin? why on earth? Why not have them participate in a school play - they'll learn about emoting, public speaking, working with others...and besides, school is the one time in life that they'll actually have the free time to be able to do it.
I do see a lot of parents around me who seem pretty stressed out by the efforts of competitive parenting, and it freaks me out. I attended a school event and spoke to Chubbocks' classmate's mom. She said that her daughter had been going to dance classes for a couple of years and loved it but now the kids were in second grade, she felt there was too much academic pressure and had pulled her daughter out from all activities! There are kids who do kumon and music, sports classes and tuition, in Class II. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being a slacker but I don't want to structure their life so much that they're busy rushing around from class to class while life passes them by.
My dad was pretty Chinese-mum-like when I was growing up. He always expected me to be studying and I remember if he ever entered a room unexpectedly and I was reading or doing something else, I'd jump. We moved overseas when I was 12 and I attended American schools, but he was so concerned about me learning 'american' ways that I was very restricted. Extra-curricular activities were not allowed - I of course rebelled and participated in the school play anyway, much to his displeasure. (His argument always used to be that I had to focus on studies and that there would be plenty of time in life for those activities. Well, guess what, there really isn't any time, after you start working, even in a liberal/ creative field like advertising, to run around acting in plays, singing in bands and so on, unless you choose to make those activities your work.) No sleepovers, ever ( strangely, my sister was allowed to go for them!). Very rare visits were allowed to friends' homes.
And when it came time to attend college, he forbade me to study anything other than Economics. I did Eco Honours, was miserable, barely understood the subject and scraped through with a IInd Div which gave me an inferiority and stupidity complex for years. So what exactly did I learn from the hyper-controlling?
I learnt that I don't want to be so in charge of my kids life that they don't fart before asking me (pardon my french). I want them to grow up and be mature adults who can weigh the pros and cons and consequences and make choices for themselves. I want my kids to have their own opinions, even if that means we're at loggerheads sometimes, because it means they are thinking. I don't want them to be mediocre, but I want them to define success on their own terms, not society's. I want my kids to have free time and friendships that last, and the ineffable pleasure of being able to curl up on a fine day and do...nothing at all. I want my kids to have a life, not lead one. Most of all, I want my kids to be individuals in their own right, who aren't dictated to by society as to what work they should do, whom they should love and what they should think.
Showing posts with label future goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future goals. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Friday, December 28, 2007
Promises, promises...
The end of the year is an interesting time for me. Typically your work-related appraisals happen now - where you appraise your team and get appraised by your boss. Together you review what you set out to do or accomplish in the past year, and what you have managed. You also look at a SWOT - strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, threats - and chart out a growth and development plan for the next year. Most people hate this time of year, but I personally like this process. I feel that you can't plan where you're going unless you know where you've been. Doing this at work is one thing, but I have never done it on a personal level. I never got into the hoopla of New year resolutions either.
But this year, with two kids and a busy life, it occurs to me that I should learn something from the process and apply it to myself as a mother, wife and daughter. I need to appraise what I have been doing all year versus what I should be doing ( as defined by the kind of human being I want to become), and to set goals for the next year. I need to make certain promises to myself, to my husband and to my kids and then see over the course of the year whether or not I have managed to keep them. And I need to make promises to myself too. The Bible has a lovely story called the Parable of Talents, whose message is that each of us is given a certain talent by God. If we do not make the best use of it that we can, it is the same as not having been gifted that talent in the first place - which is not only a disrespect to God but a disrespect to oneself. So keeping that in mind, let me think about the good and bad and sort out the things I need to do.
Things to change:
1. I need to listen more and worry about clean hands less. When Chubbocks and his little sister are busy trying to tell me about their day, I need to stop looking at their mud-encrusted hands in shock and horror and open my mind to their words and expressions. Soap and a cast-iron digestion will take care of the rest.
2. I need to spend more active time with them, teaching them things. I used to be more active about it when I worked part time and of late have played a much more passive role.
3. I need to be less impatient, especially with Chubbocks. He really is a pretty good kid and extremely well-behaved for the most part. (NB - that applies to A also).
4. I need to worry less about Chubbocks's eating. He won't eat more if I worry more, and worrying less will certainly aid my digestion.
5. I need to be more strict with Chubbocks about his TV watching.
6. I need to be more regular with ensuring Chubbocks takes things to school for show and tell. I also need to help him with his developmental needs as set out by his teachers - not getting distracted, completing work on time...
7. We need to take Puddi about with us more. It is a problem stage because she loves running about and picks up the most inappropriate things, but she needs it.
8. We need to be more organised about our mountain of family photographs, and they need to be labelled and to be taken out and enjoyed at frequent intervals.
9. I need to try and be more organised about paperwork, especially financially related, and about my clothes.
10. I need to spend less...money.
11. I need to - every now and then - just put down everything I'm in a frenzy over and try to answer one fundamental question - Will this matter to me three years from now? And take a deep breath.
12. I need to get on that treadmill and get ready to participate in the 2008 Delhi Marathon.
Things to continue:
11. Laughing and playing with my kids, husband and parents.
12. Spending time in and effort on the garden. It really nourishes the parts other things can't reach.
13. Experimenting in the kitchen - that gives me both mental and heart satisfaction - mental because it's creative, heart because for all the feminist vibe, it warms the cockles of my heart to see my family relish something I have cooked with my own two hands.
14. Writing - it's something I stopped doing a while back and rediscovered a couple of years ago. It satisfies a deep-rooted need in me, and the creative urge to write has only gotten stronger with each blog or page of story that I write.
15. Saying I love you to the most improtant people in my life regularly. Even if they know it. Even if I forget it.
But this year, with two kids and a busy life, it occurs to me that I should learn something from the process and apply it to myself as a mother, wife and daughter. I need to appraise what I have been doing all year versus what I should be doing ( as defined by the kind of human being I want to become), and to set goals for the next year. I need to make certain promises to myself, to my husband and to my kids and then see over the course of the year whether or not I have managed to keep them. And I need to make promises to myself too. The Bible has a lovely story called the Parable of Talents, whose message is that each of us is given a certain talent by God. If we do not make the best use of it that we can, it is the same as not having been gifted that talent in the first place - which is not only a disrespect to God but a disrespect to oneself. So keeping that in mind, let me think about the good and bad and sort out the things I need to do.
Things to change:
1. I need to listen more and worry about clean hands less. When Chubbocks and his little sister are busy trying to tell me about their day, I need to stop looking at their mud-encrusted hands in shock and horror and open my mind to their words and expressions. Soap and a cast-iron digestion will take care of the rest.
2. I need to spend more active time with them, teaching them things. I used to be more active about it when I worked part time and of late have played a much more passive role.
3. I need to be less impatient, especially with Chubbocks. He really is a pretty good kid and extremely well-behaved for the most part. (NB - that applies to A also).
4. I need to worry less about Chubbocks's eating. He won't eat more if I worry more, and worrying less will certainly aid my digestion.
5. I need to be more strict with Chubbocks about his TV watching.
6. I need to be more regular with ensuring Chubbocks takes things to school for show and tell. I also need to help him with his developmental needs as set out by his teachers - not getting distracted, completing work on time...
7. We need to take Puddi about with us more. It is a problem stage because she loves running about and picks up the most inappropriate things, but she needs it.
8. We need to be more organised about our mountain of family photographs, and they need to be labelled and to be taken out and enjoyed at frequent intervals.
9. I need to try and be more organised about paperwork, especially financially related, and about my clothes.
10. I need to spend less...money.
11. I need to - every now and then - just put down everything I'm in a frenzy over and try to answer one fundamental question - Will this matter to me three years from now? And take a deep breath.
12. I need to get on that treadmill and get ready to participate in the 2008 Delhi Marathon.
Things to continue:
11. Laughing and playing with my kids, husband and parents.
12. Spending time in and effort on the garden. It really nourishes the parts other things can't reach.
13. Experimenting in the kitchen - that gives me both mental and heart satisfaction - mental because it's creative, heart because for all the feminist vibe, it warms the cockles of my heart to see my family relish something I have cooked with my own two hands.
14. Writing - it's something I stopped doing a while back and rediscovered a couple of years ago. It satisfies a deep-rooted need in me, and the creative urge to write has only gotten stronger with each blog or page of story that I write.
15. Saying I love you to the most improtant people in my life regularly. Even if they know it. Even if I forget it.
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